Back? Maybe?

[Whispers]

Never posted a departure post.??I kinda just faded away from the heRO scene.??Plus, I never thought anyone would care.??I never had an enemy, but I also didn't make any friends.??So goes the story of my life; which brings me to an important point:

I've recently found out I have autism.??High-functioning, of course; Asperger syndrome, to be exact.??I could sit here and type out a long explanation of what it is, but not being able to define it - to me - is the definition of exactly what it is.??So, I'd just copy from an encyclopedic definition on some psychiatric website.??So, you can Google any other information than what I provide here.??Having Asperger syndrome, I don't expect you to care, but it's probably necessary... So, here goes...

Autism (officially Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD), in a nutshell, is an umbrella term encompassing a wide range of disorders in which the "sufferer" (I quite enjoy my form of autism, others are not so lucky) lacks social and communication skills... but, it's more than that.

It's not like I get giddy around girls or I try to throw a high five at the wrong time and miss.??I'm not a hermit or a nerd.??The problem is neural, not psychological.??My brain is deformed.

To put you in my shoes:??When I'm alone, I lose track of time.??Many times I will sit down to do something and then instantly see that six hours have passed.??It's not a waste, I will have gained everything I chose to keep in that time; but I will not have noticed the time pass.??Neat, orderly things appease me and I will spend any amount of time to tidy things up (and by "tidy up" I mean "perfect").??I used to be OCD about this as a child until I realized the frivolity of it (after an incessant want to scratch a tiny black speck off the windshield of the car parked in front of the family van when we stopped to get milk at the store).??Now, I only lose myself if I begin the task.??It's like anger, there's no anger to get under control if you don't get angry in the first place.??So is true for my autistic OCD.
My memory is insanely (I laugh every time I realize I am not technically sane lol) sensitive.??If I don't actively submit something to memory then it is lost.??I don't remember 75% of my life.??That number is a rounding, but not exaggerated.??My own family will be reminiscing of something we all did together - some big event or vacation when we were children - and I won't remember even going to wherever it was.??Nearly every time I walk into a room I forget why I'm in there and I retrace my steps to jog my memory.??I've recently begun chanting to myself what I'm intending to do now that I know what's wrong.
In social settings I am abnormally quiet.??I just observe.??I don't know when to speak, what to say, how to say it, if it should be said, when to be quiet, or how to end my speech.??I'll often stop midsentence.??lol
I'm the king of awkward silences because I don't perceive social norms and will openly discuss topics which others find disturbing.??I've found mentioning my parents' deaths is a huge conversation killer.??I still don't understand why.??lol??(And, it's a comment like that followed by a laugh which creates the awkward silence.??lol)
I don't know when to feel invited or when I've overstayed my welcome.??Apparently you normal people give facial cues and use body language to conversate.??I did not know this until after I was told I'm autistic.??As a matter of fact, these four things I've mentioned are the only things I can think of because I don't know what it means to be normal.??I've lived for 26 years thinking I'm completely normal.??Now I know I'm not.

A lot of things make sense now... Like why I don't have anyone I consider a friend, yet many people consider me their friend.??Why I estrange people even though I endear them.??I don't hate people; I am not a misanthrope.??It's just the autism.??Even though I love people, I don't see the point.??I've always felt insanely selfish because of that.??Now I know why I am that way.
I have an 8th grade education, yet an IQ of 156.??That's gifted genius.??I never thought much of it.??I just figured I payed more attention in school and the general populous is rather quite stupid.??Now I know why I can look at something and know how it works without taking it apart.??I used to hate "normal" people so much because of how stupid I considered them to be.??I mean, I didn't try exceptionally hard in school yet I'm super intelligent.??How pathetic was your schooling career if you know less than a man with an eighth grade education???Now I know.??The general populous isn't stupid.??I'm autistic.??...Although, I do still feel that "average" intelligence is pretty low.??=\
As a child, I spent a lot of time creating insanely complex things that took forever to set up yet only worked once.??Heh... Guess why.

These are the reasons I enjoy my brand of autism.??Sufferers of autism are as diverse as normal people.??I was lucky and received super intelligence (which I'm sure could have reached hyper intelligence had I the opportunity to attend high school) and autistic logic (we have our own twisted logic*) - amongst other things - at the expense of social ineptness.??And, I'll take what I have over parties and small talk any day.??


It's also why I type these insanely long messages.??I don't know when to shut up.

It's the autism.??




* - Whilst testing for autism I was presented with a scenario:

A man walks into a store wanting the largest-sized fountain drink they sell.??The clerk tells him that the largest size they have costs a dollar extra.??The man pays the dollar extra and leaves with the largest-sized drink.

Now, did he intend on paying the extra dollar?

I said no.??Apparently, this is the "autistic" answer.??I still don't see how in the world he intended on paying a dollar extra.



btw, if you think you're autistic after reading all of this, then you could be.??A lot of people go through life not realizing they have autism.??If certain stresses are applied to said individual and they have yet to come to understand themselves then the autism can grow into other, psychological conditions.??My mother went for a very long time undiagnosed and when she died she was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome (guess where I got it from), bipolar schizophrenia and clinical depression.??She was very [unintentionally] self-destructive, too.??This is what eventually led to her death.

1% of the population has autism.??If you think that's rare then consider that 1% of the population has red hair.??How many redheads do you see in a day?