Black Mesa

[Jubei]

Middle of nowhere
Black Mesa, NM 86033

Springfield Bugle
1415 Main Street
Springfield, Arizona

28 November 200X

Dear job seekers:

Tired of your current life? The hustle and bustle of your daily commute? Looking for something new? Something different? Well my friends, your in luck. The Black Mesa Research Facility is Currently hiring new staff to join the Black Mesa family!

Black Mesa is currently hIring science majors for our latest and greatest projects. Here at Black Mesa, we work tirelessly to pave the way for the little scientists of tommarow. Here at our underground facility, everythIng you'll ever need is right here on site, such as: Private on-site living quarters, varied on-site cafeteria, and the greatest, most comfortable transportation system ever.

Do you think you have the qualities to join the Black Mesa family? If so, complete the following questionare along with your resume and send it to our P/O box in Springfield. For me, everyone in Black mesa, and our benefactors, we thank you for your time and patronage.

Sincerely,



Wally E. Breen

[Jubei]

Official Black Mesa Employment Questionare

Name:
Date:
Specialty:

Fill in the answers to the best of your abilities:

1: How would you describe your education?

a: n/a
d: preschool
c: grade school
b: high school
f: bachelor degree
d: PhD/post doctoral
e: Graduate degree

2: I have medical insurance. T/F
a.If true, they cover injuries by acid burn, insect bites, and over-microwaved frosting burns. T/F
b. If false, my chances of qualifying for free insurance are good? T/F

3: You want to buy a coconut burger. Your burger shop only makes coconut burgers on Fridays. Jenny's birthday is in April, and her birthday party was 3 years ago in 2 days. Fred washes his cars on Tuesdays, and had a coconut burger last week. Jamie sold her car last Saturday and bought a pineapple burger last Wednesday. Whats today?

____________

4: What is your current living situation

a: alone
b: with room mate
c: with family
d: married
e: with my best friend Breen

5: I need music to complete tasks at 100% proficiency. T/F

a: If true, what kind of music do i listen to? T/F
b: If false, I lied on question 5. T/T

6: Which most applies to me (choose all that apply)?

a: problem drinker
b: drug addict
c: poring glutton
d: guitar hero
e: skinny dipper
f: naked kleptomaniac
g: ring wraith
h: castaway

7: You have been mind controlled by our rival company, yet we have managed to recover you. What kind of torture method works best on you?

a. Pain
b. nobody loves you
c. hammer-hand
d. gospel shark
e. good cop/bad cop
f. poring polygraph
g: Zapffs Law
h: Flash Pan
i: News from home
l: Your ex wife
m: Macho Man Randy Savage
n: solitary confinement
o: water torture
p: drowning
q: grading Official Black Mesa Questionares
r: Tran
s: tickling
t: 10 minutes with Dane Cook
u: the nude kleptomaniac

8: You are a liar

a. Strongly Disagree
b: Disagree
c: Agree
d: Strongly Agree
c: Can't honestly agree

9: How often do you exercise:

a. daily
b. every other day
c. every other other day
h. once in a while
d. once a week
c. once a month
e. once every 6 months
f. once a year
g. once a decade
f. once

10: If i suddenly disappeared, i would be missed. T/F

11: I think that people are always talking about me behind my back. T/F

12: Whats your pain threshold?

1-slight pain
2
3
4
5-normal pain
6
7
8
9
10-unimaginable pain

13: Do you regularly experience D?j? vu? T/F

14: Do you regularly experience D?j? vu? T/F

15: Which most reflects my attitude?

a. I don't care how it gets done as long as it gets done.
b. If a deadline is pushed back, i don't mind as long as everyone gets along.

16: Which word most describes me?

a. purpose
b. patience
c. woe
d. endurance
e. hard work
f. deadline
g. success
i. denial

17. It is easiest to be polite to:

a. friends
b. family
c. co-workers
d. strangers
e. my lovable Breen
f. men with guns

18. Complete the following sentence,

19. Your coworker has spilled an unknown chemical on him/herself and has transformed into an amalgamation of god hellbent on the destruction of the human race. What do you do?

a. throw more unknown chemicals on him
b. grab a chair and fight him off like a lion tamer
c. use the rock to break the emergency glass to get the emergency rock to break the glass of the dire emergency rock to throw at your coworker
d. call his ex-wife/husband
e. call 911
f. hand him a copy of the Official Black Mesa Questionare.
g. run away
i. do nothing, as he is offical Black Mesa Property.

20. I have completely 100% absolutely answered every question honestly.

A. Strongly Disagree
B. Disagree
C. Agree
D. Strongly Disagree
E. Can't Honestly Agree


Thank you for completing the Official Black Mesa Questionare. Please paper clip a copy of your resume to the back of Official Black Mesa Questionare and send to P/O Box 420 Lebensraum Lane, Springfield, Arizona, 19270.

[Whispers]

The aks? 0.o?

[Jubei]

Update: Questionare added

@whispers Sorry, spelling error. Someone has been tampering with our advertisement letters. Don't worry, we have checked the forms and everything is a'ok

[Whispers]

You guild frightens me and I shall alert the authorities if/when I shall see a member!??=p

[Jubei]

Please, our company ensures that all employees and visitors are treated with the utmost kindness and safety is our number one concern. Our benefactors have ensured that your stay at black mesa will be completely comfortable and painless as possible.

[Whispers]

As possible... Meaning pain will be administered, but to so a little degree as can be achieved in your finest of facilities in the lovely arid region of New Mexico known as Black Mesa.??A place where even if you escape death be dyhrdation is far worse than inside where they take care of you with the utmost concern.??=p

[Jubei]

We here at the Black Mesa Research Facility only provide the best service for customer and employees alike.

[Whispers]

I'm gonna get to the bottom of your organization, Jubei! And I don't mean the janitorial staff! D:

[Jubei]

The Anomalous Materials lab in Section C is actually hiring if your interested.