My character background, Feedback please

[AliceChan]

Asuka Kazama, Young Noble Lady of Payon


The Kazama Family, A noble house nestled in the small mountain Village
of Payon. This village, was famously known, for it's exceeding knowledge of bow masteries. The tradition in the house of Kazama was that the children learned the way of the archer. They were gifted a bow at the young age of Five. Years later House Kazama had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Her name was, Asuka. Asuka was raised typically, as any other child under the name Kazama. She was Given a Bow, taught archery lessons, and so forth. Years passed, and she became an accomplished hunter. She gracefully weilded a bow with ease, along side her falcon companion. Her upbringing had been a peaceful one, Typical for a Lady of noble blood, All seemed to be falling into place. Soon Asuka would take her place as a married girl, while her husband became Lord Kazama. However, such events did not happen, Asuka did not enjoy this sheltered life. She wanted to see more of the world, she wanted to marry for love instead of money and status. So one night, she snuck from the Kazama manor, and escaped into the deep forests of payon. She was willing to sacrifice her life as a noble lady, for a life of adventure and freedom. She swiftly left the village, and set out on her adventures.

This day currently, Asuka is 15, she's in a great guild, and she's made a lot of friends, Her life is going just the way she intends.

andherfamilydiedandwasneverheardfromagain.
the end :D what did you think??

[Revenant]

You capitalize a few things that are somewhat unnecessary. Your grammar is also kinda messy at best; you know what you want to say, but you kinda screw it up. May or may not be mary-sueish - An accomplished hunter at age 15? Really?

[Zerrif]

I agree with what Rev says. I understand English isn't your first language, so kudos for making something like this. However, yes-- to be able to do all this by the age of 15 is rather Mary-Sue ish.

[AliceChan]

Gahh~ sorry, But thanks for these comments guys, I'll improve on certain things. i deleted my hunter anyways.

[Revenant]

AliceChan Wrote:Gahh~ sorry, But thanks for these comments guys, I'll improve on certain things. i deleted my hunter anyways.

The best of luck to you, always nice to see people trying to improve on their skills.